I am such a coward.

Running away from things instead of facing it straight.

Last week, my boss asked me to prepare some reports which will affect the performance ranking of the other staff..

Admist the other work which she was also pusing for urgently, i passed part of the work to my colleague, who was also my team lead. But to be honest i nvr really regard him as one.. cuz i don really respect him as one.

I completed the work, among other things, around 10 on friday night. My boss deadline was monday 9am. effectively stating the deadline as friday night before i go home. For the whole week i was trying desperately to prepare stuff for her and i reached home 10 everyday. I was also feeling ill.

But then again, all these may just be excuses, that i lay out to place myself as a "victim", so that i can tell others that i prepared the report wrongly cuz i was sick, i was tired, i was swarmed with work blah blah blah.

To me, a mistake is a mistake. Admit it upfront and apologise.

I was shocked this morning when my colleague informed me. I was first in denial. Then i rushed down from Raffles to Tampiness to rectify the problem. I was sick to my stomach.

My colleague has already help me inform the superiors who was affected. They had used my data to rank the staff already. I did not know exactly their reaction when my colleague broke the news to them, but i can guess. I met one of the superiors on my way in the office and her face was resignation when i apologised to her.

I feel like i was this useless idiot who cant even do my job well. I feel even worse cuz i knew my superiors may feel slightly unhappy, but i knew they would understand. Everybody makes mistakes. Right? No, i rather they have just scolded me then and there.

With the help of my colleague i drafted an email to my boss, who was not in the office. All in my mind then was to run away, run away from the place where people may look at me differently, run away from the place where i feel that i have let my superiors down, run away and pretend nothign had happen.

I told my colleague that i was not feeling well and left the office. I did not even have the guts to say i have prepared the report wrongly in the face to my boss. I wanted to, but i knew i would end up crying in front of her. I hate it when i appear weak.

My colleaue was nice and told me it was ok. He even got one of the superiors to call me and told me it was ok.

As i sat on the train back, i was feeling better.

But i still need to see a doctor for an MC.

The doctor, my family doctor, was anything but rude and sarcastic. Throughout the whole conversation he never once look at me in the eye or really paid attention to what i say. When he wanted me to turn so that he could take my heartbeat from my back he din even ask, he just pointed.

I told him i had a flu and cough but i was better already. He asked so why are you here? He even asked me what kind of medicine i think i would need, flu or lozenges or fever pills. He talks to me as if he thinks i am lying.

I hate it.