i tried my best to communicate with my mother
i try to talk to her
tell her about my life

i try to not let her worry
by calling home when i am out
to let her know my whereabouts

i try to go home earli
so she doesnt have to worry for me
so she can get the sleep she desperately need
as she needs to wake up at 5 am every morning
to go off to work

i know i got a good mother
who cares for me

but when care translated to nagging
i just cant take it

i try to listen
i try to open one ear, close one ear
i try to close both ears
but i just cant take it

when i try to go shoppin with her
she says she is tired
she is, i wun doubt that
but her reasons is that there are still clothes to wash, to iron, the floor to mop, dinner to cook
i say never mind,
do these another day
but these are top on her priorty

she has a strong sense of responsibilty towards the family
but sometime she detests it and she grumbles
but she sill still do the housework which she thinks is her responsibility

sometimes
she thinks about her mother
she blames herself constantly
she hates herself for her lack of attention
she wish for her mother

no matter how or what we tell her
she think its her fault
this exerts enermous pressure on her mentally
and this caused her to be depressed occassionally

i tried to be there for her
listen to her
but i get frustrated whenever she reprimands herself
i get irritated when she repeats her sorrow
i know i should listen to her and share her burden
but its hard to listen,
when all she does is scold herself
it saddens me perhaps
and makes me feel helpless cuz i cant do anything about it

i wish perhaps i can be more filial
i see yiwen with her mother shopping,
brenda and her mum drinking coffee.
but i try bringing my mum shopping
and she will say this not nice, that not nice, waste money etc.
i aint exactly say i enjoy the experience.
and i dun know what to do about that.

i guess i am just a selfish person.
self-centered
wants to do something but just summon enough energy to do it
mayb i reali should try to put in more effort
to build my relationship with my mother.